letting go of me
Well. Here we are again. Time to finish the series I started back in February.. and to be honest it has taken me so long to make this blog post go live because it's the one where I reveal the ugly sides of myself. Like I told you before, I am and always have been super transparent. I believe there is power behind that. I think it would be completely unfair of me to paint a perfect picture of Jordan for all of you to follow, and make you believe you are alone.
While I might be a perfectionist, I am the FARTHEST thing from prefect.
Back in October-November I have what I like to call my "Britney Spears Moment" and if you don't know what that is, you are most likely better off. But I honestly had gone months of trying to be someone I wasn't. Reaching and trying to impress people on my Instagram. Added myself to in the blogger world what they call "pods" just so it looked like the picture I posted got lots of likes. Y'all, thats an exhausting life to live. Constantly trying to impress-- especially people who don't even know who I am. I grew up having the nick name Martha because everything always had to be perfect in the house, and at the age of 26 that was still going strong. I could spend hours in Hobby Lobby or Kirklands and spend money on things I honestly didn't need-- but because I was trying to have what I considered "the perfect home" I never saw an issue and just kept shopping. Something else that was going on in my life though was a whole lot of NEW. That's right, moving to TN wasn't my favorite thing Cody and I had done that year. In fact I spent many nights screaming in our closet that I wish we never moved. Yup. Not because our new church family didn't make us feel welcome, not because I didn't love the students here, not because I didn't 100% feel God tell us to move here. But, because for months I was trying to impress people, and then we reached our new home and for the first time in my life I realized what I was doing, and I didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't handle change well. I was fighting lots of emotions.
- moved away from the student ministry I loved more than anything
- moved away from family and our best friends in TX
- trying to be someone I wasn't just to gain a couple extra likes on the gram
- felt unwanted and unneeded in a ministry I felt called to since my sophomore year
- and the big one, I Jordan was still very un successful at becoming a mom
See. In my life I knew there were things I felt called too, that my bones ached to do. One- ministry. Two- find a Godly man to do life with. Three- Make a beautiful home where people feel welcome, and that I got to have my hand and heart for design in. Four- Make lots of babies with the Godly man I was doing life with.
So in this story, my one was quickly knocked down, not completely but not anywhere like how I planned it to be (you will find this is a theme in my ugly) Luckily I had number two locked in. Three, was something my entire life I loved doing, but it became a God very quickly. and Four- ahh. the one that haunts me the most.
Everything leading up to the Britney Spears moment is honestly a blur. I went through the motions to get past the obvious present I was living in. I constantly stayed in prayer because I knew He was the only answer, but then looked at others peoples lives and wondered why I didn't have what they had. (such a terrible place to be) I invited people into my home, but instead of doing life with them I did the dishes. (oh my soul, don't be this way) I posted things to my Instagram (that I have now deleted) because I was trying to be another blogger who I saw gained lots of likes. (wow typing that is even embarrassing) I was missing the big picture. I grew weary and tired, and honestly sick because I was striving after things that didn't even matter.
- Ministry is a calling that I can do even in my grocery store. Shocking I know.
- Marrying a Godly man was a gift, not a goal.
- Having a home to do life in, had nothing to do with me, but the people I invited in.
- Having babies is also gift, not something that is owned to me by any means.
The end of December came, and so did an awakening in my soul.
- Jordan, you don't have to, or need to impress your new church family-- just be present.
- Jordan, it's okay if the bed isn't made or if there is dog hair on the floor.
- Jordan, remove yourself from those pods, just be YOU.
- Jordan, Jesus has gifted you in doing life and communicating with people DO THAT
- Jordan, maybe being a momma looks different in your life and that's okay
- Jordan, you don't have to be enough because Jesus already is
I think I had not only placed Jesus in a box, but myself. I grew up thinking this is what my life was supposed to look like and I honestly can say I didn't handle change very well. As I began to search scripture instead of Kirkland's, things began to shift, I remembered where my value came from. I saw that His love covers me even when I can't sit down and rest because the floor needs to be swept. I was reminded that I am no longer a slave to sin. I found that having your house be a mess is way better than your heart. I don't want to miss the point. I don't want to miss my purpose.
Those are the words I wrote to you all in February and ones I keep in my notes on my phone so I never forget that truth Jesus spoke to me. My life has nothing to do with me. The things in my home also have nothing to do with me. My marriage has nothing to do with me. My ministry has nothing to do with me. However I become a momma, has nothing to do with me. Ouch. hurts to hear. At least in my life it did. Embarrassing to admit, but I like to think I am not alone.
Ladies. Being you, actually has nothing to do with you. I love it. Takes the pressure off. My prayer is that as I have fun sharing my life with each of you, my heart, my home, my family, my clothes, honestly everything -- that you don't fall in love with anything or anyone other than Jesus. Because that's who it's all about.
So take the pressure off. Quit striving to do anything other than live for Jesus and love like he did. The fun part is everything else will fall into place just as he saw it too. Letting go of me was the best thing I ever did.