where it begins

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I have always been like this. No really, I have. In fact about two weeks ago I called my mom on the phone just to check. Being perfect has been a goal of mine since I was born. My mom has stories for days. Like, how as a child my brother Aaron and I loved playing outside..but my brother Aaron loved mud. To the point where he would strip off every piece of clothing he had on and bathe in it as if he was a pig on my grandparents property. "What is he thinking?!" I thought to myself, "I mean honestly.." y'all.. I am like 5 years old, and as a 26 year old women writing this I still cringe. Maybe I am scarred.. I don't know, but what I do know is no-one taught me to hate being dirty. I just did.

My mom would always take a bad situation and attempt at making me feel better..."Jordan, it's okay God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt." -- as if this rhyme was really going to make me stop crying, but I tried, put my hands in the air and so lightly tip toed through the mud in hopes I would actually enjoy getting dirty. "God made dirt, dirt don't hurt" (I whispered), "God made dirt, dirt don't hurt" ( a little louder this time) "God made dirt, dirt don't hurt!" Nope, as much as I believed God made the dirt, I also believed it did hurt! We have this whole story on video, I wish I had it to share with you today, but my version will have to do for now. Jordan what's your point? 

Sin is bad. Sin makes you feel like its okay, or it makes you feel terrible, but because it's the way it has always been you just push through and use excuses like "It's just who I am" 

Lie. 

A really good one too. 

Y'all. I have a control issue. Getting dirty in the mud meant I lost control. It made me less perfect to have dirt on my feet, hands, and if your my brother his entire body. I had it all backwards though. I was right, I wasn't perfect, I was dirty, but it had nothing to do with the mud on the ground, but who I was without Jesus. Key words. Being dirty wasn't the lie, the lie was becoming a daughter of the King and still feeling like I had to prove myself. I don't have to be perfect. In fact, I can't and never will be. So this feeling of constantly trying to be comes from the enemy. He uses it to distract me from the mission I am on. He makes me feel like there are other things on this earth that would bring me happiness, and fulfillment and that is the furthest from the truth. I have spent the majority of my life a believer in Jesus. I accepted him as my God when I was 8 years old. I had the pleasure of being baptized around my entire family, in my swimming pool by one of the Godliest men I know, my Grandpa Bill. 

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I knew I was dirty. I knew I needed Jesus, but that doesn't mean the enemy leaves you alone from that point forward. Nope. He pushes harder. Those things. Those sinful tendencies you were born with, he uses them to distract you from your calling. For me, it was thinking I could be enough. Thinking if I did enough good things, had the cleanest house on the block, made people literally feel like walking into my home they were in the cover of a pottery barn magazine that I had won. Oh sisters, I was failing. One purchase at a time. Having your worth in yourself, thinking you could possibly be good enough will only lead to destruction. Not only in your life, but everyone around you. See, we are either pushing everyone we know towards Jesus, or so far away they think they actually have a relationship with Him and they don't. 

What changed? 

Instead of scrolling my Instagram, emails, and pottery barn magazines without ceasing I picked up my bible and dove in head first. 

Instead of finding worth, and saving up for my next home purchases, I realized he paid it all for me already and I didn't need any of those things. 

Instead of spending countless hours laying on my couch watching Gilmore Girls, I got on my knees in my closet and asked God what he had for me. 

It begins with you choosing something and someone other than YOURSELF. This world has nothing for me. It's not my home. So instead of trying to make things perfect I will lean in and trust the one who has already done that for me. 

Until next time, 

JBM