setting my mind on things above
Would you believe that I am actually shaking while typing this. I hands down have got to be one of the most transparent people you will ever have a conversation with, but there are some things in my heart I most definitely don't like to share. Like how I get stressed if the bed isn't made the way I think it should be... to the point of instead of telling my husband thank you, I will tell him how he could have done better. Or how dog hair literally makes me want to scream. Like actually scream out loud. How about how I can't sleep if laundry needs to be done, or how the kitchen could have not been used in days but I will still take Clorox to my countertops as if I had just cooked a full course meal.
My name is Jordan and I am a perfectionist.
Now, before I even continue writing this there are a couple of things I want to say. What I am about to share are things God has been teaching ME, shaping ME, convicting ME. These are holes in my life that I truly believe God has been trying to bring to my attention for years now. As I write this series I don't want people to think if you are similar to me, or have the same OCD tendencies that you are sinful or that there is something wrong with you. What I am sharing with y'all is something God pulled out of me.
Oh boy, here we go. I have an issue not doing this. For as long as I can remember I wanted to grow up, get married to the BEST guy, have the most beautiful home, the white picket fence, and lots and lots of babies. Who doesn't? Well.. I know there are some that don't, but I feel like the majority of American women have those things on their radar. Especially at my age, but I kid y'all not this has been my life long goal. For me it was an obsession. A god. I started noticing my goals were less about bringing people towards Jesus and more about what this world could offer me. That is heart breaking to even write. I find often I am stressed and anxious, even a little overwhelmed. Okay, a lot overwhelmed. I don't feel like myself, I loose sleep and the weight of the world literally begins to crumble me.. one pottery barn magazine at a time. The things I have always been good at were starting to push me further away from Jesus. The things I thought and believed actually mattered.. have ZERO value. I can't take my clean counter tops to heaven. That tan chair I want for my bedroom, can't take that either. All the clothes I want my closet to be full of, yup.. those don't go either. Crazy I know.
I have been verbally writing this blog for months now, and I am finally feeling like it's time to share. Over the next couple of weeks I am going to be sharing some hard things God has been teaching me. I am going to share the darkest parts of my heart, the convictions I have felt, and the victory I have found in the One who always saves.
As I began to search scripture instead of Kirkland's, things began to shift, I remembered where my value came from. I saw that His love covers me even when I can't sit down and rest because the floor needs to be swept. I was reminded that I am no longer a slave to sin. I found that having your house be a mess is way better than your heart. I don't want to miss the point. I don't want to miss my purpose.